Marriages saved by technology

There are about 10 well-known marital fights and if you’ve been married very long, you’ve probably had most of them.

But, with the advent of GPS, there’s one less marital fight to have, “the map fight.” Most husbands expect their wives to be natural navigators. Most wives are not.

The map fight most commonly occurs when the husband is driving on an unfamiliar freeway at 70 mph and he tosses the map to the wife and says, “Where are we?” If she’s like most women, she only can read the map when the car and the map are going in the same direction and that’d be north. South is out of the question because it’s just too hard to read a map upside-down.

When I got married, I wasn’t prepared for the real world of marriage. My parents had three or four fights in their entire marriage of 60-plus years. It was always over the same issue. Dad would lose track of time, fishing and as it started getting dark, mom would get worried.

The fight looked something like this. He’d come in the door wearing his waders and holding his fly rod in one hand and a couple trout on a string in the other. He’d hang his head with a beseeching I’m-sorry look and mom would shake her head, tighten her lips and sigh with a mix of disgust and relief that he hadn’t drown. My sister and I would run to our room, sure they were going to divorce and we’d be put in foster care.

With my first marriage (I’m on my second), our three kids certainly learned about marital conflict. At least they didn’t go into marriage thinking it was going to really be wedded bliss, but to this day I regret the stress we put on our children during those tumultuous years.

One time when my first husband and I were fighting over our messy house, our youngest child (4 years old) said, “I’m gonna close the drapes ‘cause Santa Clause might be lookin’ around.” Shame on us!

The sex fight is a pretty big one, but it can be fixed without the use of technology. It’s really quite simple and we probably learned some of the information in high school biology.

One scientist explained that as children, boys and girls both have sensory receptors all over their bodies, but with the onset of puberty, boys are the only ones of our species whose sensory receptors congregate in just one place while the girls continue to enjoy touch just about everywhere. It’s also true that after puberty, girl’s receptors increase in three areas, but those zones are off limits without a considerable amount of foot massaging, back rubbing, head and hair fiddling with and sweet talk outside those No Trespassing Zones.

This transfer of sensation at puberty creates much misunderstanding and the affects have caused millions to become disillusioned until they know how to work with the systems.

If you’re a guy, you need to take those zones seriously or you could end up in divorce court. You know, like what would happen if you’re driving on a road and you came to a sign that said, “Detour?” If you didn’t mind it, you’d go off the road and crash.

So just consider those zones have invisible detour signs but now you know to go around. Yeah, it takes a little time, but you’ll get there eventually (10 minutes is nice, but 5 will usually due). One other note, for your information, since a woman loves to be touched, you should be touching her ten times a day, BUT that doesn’t mean she wants to have sex every time you rub her shoulders.

If you’re a woman, you have it easy. Men don’t need to be rubbed just spend all your time in the one spot. That’s really it. Simple, couldn’t get easier.

One woman said, “I just bent over to pick up a sharp dog toy and Carl put his hand right on my crotch from behind. I jumped up and yelled at him, ‘Why did you do that? How would you like me to do that to you?’ His response was, ‘Yeah, I’d like it!’ That’s just nuts!”

Even though, you’d never like what Carl did, just remember, Carl would. So consider spending a lot of time in that area of your husband because evidently there’s no “No Trespassing” or “Detour” sign there. That’s all there is to say about that.

For more from Pam Young go to You’ll find many musings, videos of Pam in the kitchen preparing delicious meals, videos on how to get organized, lose weight and get your finances in order, all from a reformed SLOB’s point of view.